After rude bloke tells date she’s too fat, the terrible Tinder types who will swipe the smile off your face – The Sun
I FELT relieved that my dating days are over when I read about the gorgeous Jade Savage being branded “fat” by a man she met on Tinder after spending £93 and travelling 41 miles to meet him.
The Sun told how the charmer immediately walked out on 28-year-old Jade at Peterborough train station — but sadly, this man is the tragicomic norm in modern romance.
You might think dating apps open the door to a shagtastic world of sexual possibilities, dazzling dates and the chance to meet Mr. Right.
But for most girls the reality of digital dating is that you are more likely to find yourself matched with that weirdo who follows you around Tesco or your ex-boyfriend’s dad.
Rather than offer a smorgasbord of eligible bachelors, Tinder emboldens substandard men to feel overconfident.
They are emboldened by Photoshop, flattered by the attention they get and power-crazed because they can endlessly swipe right.
Modern dating has left men with misplaced confidence which wildly outstrips the package they are offering. And, of course, it’s us girls left wanting.
For every Liam Payne you swipe right on you can brace yourself to meet someone who looks more like Johnny Vegas, with a bald patch, three kids and a wife at home he never mentioned.
And for every boy who seems sweetly charming and hilarious by text, you find yourself having dinner with a man as romantic as Harvey Weinstein.
Worse, as Tinder has evolved it has taken on all the worst traits of social media.
Every girl now finds herself inundated with perverts pinging over unwanted d**k pics and married men begging for nudes. You meet Romeos who think seduction is asking if you’re “DTF?” (down to f***) — then tell you you’re ugly if you are not.
You spend dates listening to fantasists who pretend to be millionaires and men who reveal adult baby fetishes.
You meet mummy’s boys and weird-smelling nerds. You fend off messages from demanding Daves who insist they “hate hores” but “only date women who can spell”.
You negotiate boys looking for a “pump ’n’ dump” or desperate losers who don’t get the hint.
Worst of all, you may feel your only option is to keep doing it over and over again. But fear not — help is at hand.
Let me introduce you to some of the worst Tinder Tribes you will encounter, their terrible traits and how to tackle them.
‘Brexit bore stuck in singles market’
ALL the sex appeal of Michael Gove and the style of Jeremy Corbyn, the Brexit bore has mistaken Article 50 for small talk.
He knows more about what’s in paragraph five of the WTO’s terms than Boris Johnson does – but the UK has got more chance of leaving the single market than he has.
His red corduroy trousers or the fact Apocalypse Now is his favourite film should set off alarm bells. Press the panic button when he talks about the horsepower of your car.
Your only hope of leaving is to joke about the withdrawal agreement but he will probably beg for an extension.
At all costs avoid ending up in bed. If you do, tell him: “It’s not EU, it’s me.”
‘Guess what he’s up to under the table’
THE #MeToo movement was lost on this lad – although you can guarantee he calls himself a feminist in his Twitter profile.
He may try to give the impression he is looking for a soulmate but it’s a bed mate he is really after.
Of course he has tried to send you dick pics. He relentlessly begs you for nudes. And in real life he is even worse.
Pervy, handsy, footsy – everything-sy. Wondering what that is edging up your leg under the table? I’ll give you one guess.
He thinks he’s turning you on – but really he is just making your skin crawl. This is a man who makes Prince Andrew look like Prince Charming.
The only option is to leave immediately. Or call the police.
‘No chemistry but he’ll call in tears’
SLID into your DMs with one message. Before you had replied, he sent four. Then six. Now there’s 20, each more desperate.
If you meet it’ll be love at first sight. He will tell you he’s irresistibly drawn to you, you look like his mum and smell like his ex.
In five minutes he’ll be talking about marriage, then “joking” about what you could call your kids. He seems keen to ask questions about “your place” which he thinks “sounds great” but then he would because he still lives with his parents.
He seems keen but harmless. But if you tell him there’s no chemistry, he’ll call you in tears. If you say you just want to be mates he’ll turn up at your work.
You quit Tinder for another dating app. But there’s no escape – he’s on them all.
‘Fake Rolex and, er, forgot wallet’
THE giveaways should have been the photos of him leaning against a Porsche and cuddling a drugged-up tiger which looked oddly Photoshopped.
Or when he said he had run a marathon but couldn’t remember where, then claimed to work for Lehman Brothers – even though the banking firm went bankrupt in 2008.
Still, you gave him a shot. Now you’re having dinner at the Ritz where he’s boasting about the international business mergers he has handled, the size of his bonus and how many celebrities he has met.
While jangling a fake-looking Rolex, he brags about his £1million extension.
But when the bill comes he will have forgotten his wallet. Make sure you can afford it before you go on a date with this guy.
‘Gives you his life story in an hour’
CAN’T listen, won’t listen and all of his small-talk revolves around himself.
In an hour he’ll have told you all about his work, his colleagues, his pets, his parents, his ex-girlfriends – and even worse he’ll expect you to care about his life story.
You will even have had to peruse his most-liked Instagram selfie.
He won’t even notice he’s bored you to death. Obviously, he won’t ask you a single thing about yourself. You’re not a person to him – just an audience.
Don’t take this one any further. On dates he might seem self-obsessed but harmless.
But I’ll guarantee once you get him in bed he will reveal a super-weird kink like a foot fetish or an adult baby fixation. And you’ll be expected to cater to it.
‘Confidence is wildly misplaced’
HE is twice your age and triple your BMI with a smile like Austin Powers.
His bald spot is bigger than Prince William’s and he has a personality as irresistible as Labour’s deputy leader Tom Watson.
But a myopic ex told him a decade ago he looked vaguely like Jason Statham and this has given him wildly misplaced confidence.
His dandruff could cause an avalanche and his odour could knock a horse dead. Yet he complains you’re too pale, you’re too dowdy, your hair is too short, he doesn’t like your clothes, you wear too much make-up and need to lose weight.
Don’t try to please him by changing. Just put his messages on Twitter for a bit of viral content. And maybe buy him a bottle of Head And Shoulders as a parting gift.
‘Has flatmate… but only at weekends’
HIS profile shows him in group shots and in pictures with someone cropped out, or close-ups of his abs. There’s a weird lack of personal details, euphemisms about being “discreet” or things being “complicated”.
He is relentlessly horny and always messaging to say you’re one of the only women who understands him.
But when you ask to go over he suddenly has a flatmate who is always around when you try to phone – especially on the weekends.
You play message ping-pong for months as he alternates between saying he’s not looking for something serious and begging for sex. Just when you think you’ve finally got rid of him, he sends 50 desperate messages at 2am.
Just ask him straight-up for his surname and you will never see him again.
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